Twi-blight

I despise Twilight.  I can't help it.  I know, lots of folks really enjoy the books and the movies, and I may - at times- be accredited with poor taste (I still jam out to RJ Dio), but that doesn't change how I feel.  With a strong desire to pin down my misgivings, I came up with the following analysis.

As I mentioned in Fangbangen', it really torques my crank that Eddie-boy doesn't possess any proper fangs.  That's a staple of the vampire mythos, right?  Fangs, pointy teeth, hissing noises, the vorpal bunny, munchy slurpy poky canines!  Not too much to ask for, right…

 Secondly, the sparkly sunlight-skin seems thematically inappropriate.  If the story was about, say, faeries or elves (Sooki?), then -okay - I might buy it.  If it's on sale.  

So, that' my small summary of issues I have with Twilight's vampires.  After writing these down, I was curious how historically founded these iconic tropes are in regards to my obsessive fault-findings with Twilight.

When did vampires get fangs?
The folklore involving vampires and vampire-like critters is quite extensive.  Much of the folklore involving vampire does NOT specifically state whether these creatures do or do not have fangs. 

I was trying to find the "baseline" for the folklore behind their physiology and here are the more interesting tidbits.

In the legends, I cannot find any evidence to support whether vampires had fangs or not.  Mesopotamian and Hebraic references mention "Lilith" who was the Demon Queen and/or Adam's 'first wife' (who became a demon?  I lost track of what is folklore and what is video game lore).  Did she have fangs?   She was described as bestial, so maybe (?).

Fangs were definitely described in Bram Stoker's work.  I admit, when I found this, I was rather shocked.  I was certain that the folklore would have solid references to gnashing fanged teeth and whatnot. It looks like Dracula was the progenitor in more ways than one. If someone finds literature supporting that vampires having fangs prior to the 19th century, please drop a comment. 

Vampires, always burnt in sunlight, right?
Again, I was saddened to learn that, historically, this was not the case.  Nothing that I found in early folklore suggested nastiness in the event of sunlight contact.  All the 'early cases' on vampires seem to indicate that the creatures were nocturnal, like -I don't know - a bat or a wolf.   Interestingly enough, in Bram Stoker's work, sunlight seems to have caused agitation and lethargy, but I didn't find a passage that supports, "Draky got crispy." 

Given the type of nocturnal animals present in Europe, I wonder if this provided the precursor for both the hazardous effects of sunlight (the burning) and fangs akin to other (mundane) night wondering beasties? 

The overall conclusion I came to was that all the historically pretentious reasons that I thought I had for disliking Twilight are inaccurate. Now, I have to reexamine what makes Eddie so deplorable to my aesthetic sensibilities.  That's probably something my psychiatrist and I will talk about (kidding….kinda).  In the meantime, my new official reason for despising is Twilight is:  it's a sophomoric, angst-riddled, and juvenile high school drama that features things not-quite undead that become ravers when exposed to sunlight.  

Fangbangen'

This may come as a surprise to my readers, but I watch a lot of vampire movies.  Every genre has its icons, and the vampire film is no exception.  Medieval/fantasy movies have swords, science-fiction flicks have spaceships, and Jersey Shore has retards.  Vampires have fangs.  Which is one of the (many) reasons I hate Twilight - NO FANGS!!!

As an iconic part of vampire physiology, I think it’s time that these iniquitous incisors  got the credit they deserve.  Of course, these are all my opinions, but - really! - what other Necromancer's opinion will you trust?

Without further ado, here are the Top Five On-screen Vamp Fangs.

#5 FOREVER KNIGHT
I love the character of LaCroix.  He was such a snide, cynical bastage, and that was only half his charm.  


Lucien LaCroix

#4 LOST BOYS

Lost Boys

Ahhhh….the 80’s.  While it wasn’t filled with the life-altering (and accessible) technologies of the 21^st century, it was – I dare say – the golden age of American culture.   

#3 INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE

The fang design for the IWTV dentures was simple, elegant, and predatory. 

Maverick

#2 TRUE BLOOD
I love the look the fangs of True Blood have.  To the contemporary mind, they’re nearly the platonic ideal of vampire-fang-ness. The only thing that kept them from getting numero uno was that little “click” noise.  It’s like the foley artist just recorded the sound of a mouse button being pressed and said, “Yeah, that’s totally what a vampire fang would sound like!  Totally!”

Ooooh....Sookeh'

#1 THIRTY DAYS OF NIGHT
This is what vampire fangs should look like; the vicious maw of an undead nocturnal marauder, like a cross between a shark and a rabid dog.  They’re so groovy, they make up for all the vampires sounding like zerglings. 


Is this the nerdy kid from the Wonder Years? 

Santa, I want a real monster for Christmas!

"Did you know the character of Dracula was based on a real guy named Dracula?"

"No foolen?  Really?"

"Yeah, his name was Vlad Dracula or Vlad Tepes, which meant 'impaler.'  He was  blah blah blah blah blah," etc ad nauseum. 

I'm sooo sick of hearing about Vlad Tepes as the "real life inspiration for Dracula."  Yeah, Stoker got the name from him, but that's about it.   In Romania, he's regarded as a national hero.  It's been a while since I did my 'serious' research, so bear with me. 

Vlad Tepes, hero of Romania

Wallachia (a part of Romania at the time) was having its strings pulled by a few different folks. European powers, the Ottomans, and corrupt Wallachian officials.  When Vlad Tepes took the Wallachian throne, he was supposed to be a puppet ruler for the sultan of the Ottomans.  Instead, he opted to go, "Hellz no.  Dat be some whacked shite." Or something.  He told the sultan where to go, then rounded up all the corrupt bureaucrats in the Wallachian nobility. Princey-boy, then, administered some very splintery proctology exams.  His reign was short, but the people of Romania still look to him as the Prince that stood up to the forces that oppressed their homeland. 

Now, put yourself in a present day Romanian's shoes.  How would you feel if someone based a blood sucking monster on George Washington?  After all, he was the last good president we had.  Maybe you're not American (lucky you).  Maybe you're a Brit:  how would you feel if some doofus made Queen Victoria into a fanged zombie?  Or Margaret Thatcher?     You might be a little ticked off. 

Slightly off-topic:  Dick Cheney probably is a vampire. 

If you're going to write a monster based on a historical figure, make it someone that you want to loathe.  Someone you can…(wait for it)...SINK YOUR TEETH INTO TOO!  [oh, I kill me]. I came across this sick puppy from 15th century France, that - surprisingly - not too many writers have made use of.

Gilles de Rais.  Allegedly, this man was a loon.  A comrade-in-arms to Joan of Arc (yep, Milla Jovovich), he went on to kill (and other nasty stuff) a bunch of peasant kids, perform satanic rituals, and promote overall douchebaggery.  A real monster!  Now, add a coffin and some fangs, presto! Awesome (read:  pure evil) vampire! 

Granted, there are some conspiracies floating around about what 'really happened,' kind of like with the Knights Templar (another group I'm sick of hearing about), but as long as you throw in a lovely "allegedly" in front of the statement, you're safe with saying that Gilles de Rais was a satanic-obsessed pedophile serial killer who liked to diddle himself with mutilated youngling parts.  .

I like monsters you cannot empathize with. 

Undead for Fun and Profit: Part II

In Part I,  you were regaled with historical anecdotes that used monstery bits of folklore to fill in the blanks where science had yet to play the field. 
Today, we have our brand of magic - SCIENCE!


SCIENCE!

"That's not magic, stupid!!" is what you're thinking.  Do YOU know how your computer or car works?  Do you understand the mechanical and computational minutia that goes into making these technomantic devices function?  Yeah, it's magic. 

And...Did anyone ever think it odd that one of the undead is teaching children how to count?  

Anyhoo…..

In our uber-technocratic lifestyle, the undead can still be useful.  Zombies are strangely HUGE right now.  A few years ago, you'd only see them at Wal-mart or Starbucks, but now they're EVERYWHERE! 

A few groups have capitalized on this necrosis nuance: some with noble pursuits and some with shallow intentions. 

This ad is from Trueswords.com.  They're an online retail site that sells - yeah, you guessed it! - swords (and such). They've put together a plethora of products marketed towards the zombie apocalypse.   Aside from the selection of kukris, most of these products are just normal hum-drum camping products. With strategic use of their (fictional) legion of the undead, they hope to spur sales. 

I have to give them credit; no one WANTS to buy an emergency camping blanket.  But - hey! - if it's for the zombie apocalypse, it’s cool!  Not that I'm claiming immunity to this pop-culture marketing ploy. Quite the contrary, it makes me want to run out and purchase  a crap-ton of camping gear that I know I'll ever use (except for maybe X-treme Cosplay!).  Luckily, I have a spouse who would repeatedly shank me in the skull if I came home with post-apocalyptic camping gear.  [tangent: new extreme camping – Postapocamping!  Burning Man, here I come!]

Okay, that was the shallow, free-enterprise side of the story. Now, for your consideration, I present Zombie Squad! 

Zombie Squad is a non-profit organization that devotes itself to being prepared for natural disasters.  They're like the Boy Scouts, just without those handkerchief-bola-tie things.  Their line of thinking is, "If you're ready for the zombie apocalypse, you're ready for anything."  

Seriously, the hell is that?

Remember in Part I, when I talked about pre-industrial bumpkins using the supernatural to explain medical/psychological issues their society didn’t know how to dope out??  It's like that, except - now - we're using the undead as an excuse to prepare for "natural disasters," something that our society lacks the attention-span for.    Kudos, ZS.  Kudos. 

The Zombie Squad mentality even infected [huge pun] the CDC last year.  Check it out. Notice the addy: cdc.GOV.  No fringe groups here.

I think the CDC can make the claim of being the only federal government entity-thing that has a sense of humor.  Which brings up my final question…..

…Think it would be in bad taste to have vampires talk about HIV??